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| An example of bullying. Source |
"Move freak" is what I hear as I am walking to class, I hear that about four times a week. That is nothing new so I let it slide off of me and keep walking. Today, when I sat in my seat I noticed that something isn't right. My pants feel sticky where I sat. I stand up and realize someone put glue all over my seat. I hear everyone laughing as I run out to the office to call my mom to come get me. As I sit and wait on my mom I notice a girl that is in some of my other classes is staring at me. I stare back, but she doesn't look away. Instead, she approaches me.
"Why do you put up with everyone being mean to you?" I believe her name is Bailey asks. "I don't know. I just let it happen, because it's what I know," I say. "Well, stop," she simply says. I look at her as if she has grown a second head.
"Why do you care if they pick on me?"
"Because it is not nice or fair. You should tell them to stop, and use your size to intimidate them."
"But my size is why they make fun of me," I say.
"They're just jealous that you are tall and that all the girls have a crush on you."
Now, I am absolutely stunned by what she is saying. This is the first real female contact I have had outside of class in a long time. My face has shock written all over it and my mind is going a thousand miles a minute of this new discovery.
"Every time someone is mean to you or says something tell them to shut up or go away. It is time to stand up for yourself," Bailey says.
The last thing I want is to be mean like everyone has been to me. I know though that something has to change. What I didn't realize was that every time someone was mean to me, I built up a "shell." Everything just bounced off me after a while and I had become harden to other kids.
The next day, "GET AWAY FROM ME!" I yell at yet again another person who tries to shove me into the wall. This pattern continues for about two days before everyone began to see me differently. Suddenly, girls would talk to me, other guys wanted to be my friend, and those who didn't want to be my friend feared me.
I didn't want people to fear me but I did want to be respected. I finally got the respect that I wanted. I also got the girl as his girlfriend that gave me the confidence to stand up for myself.
Author's Note:
I chose to use the story How the Tortoise Got Its Shell. The tortoise in the story was sent on an errand to return only to be locked out of the castle he was supposed to be in. While on the errand, he became drunk and showed up late to the castle. I made my character tall like the tortoise to have some similarity in stories. He was carrying a great weight on his back. The weight crushed him. Time passed before anyone had discovered the tortoise. He had formed a hard shell. I used the concept of him gaining a shell and made it a positive thing in my story. I even used the world shell in this story to symbolize and tie together the two stories I wasn’t sure where I was going with my story at first. I knew I had shell to work with. I tried writing a different way with a little more dialogue between characters. I broke my paragraphs up differently as well. I thought it would make it easier to read. I went back and added some details. I also tried to get to the point of my story using fewer words. I really started to like this story after I wrote it. I liked the general idea of it. It seemed better than majority of my other stories that I have written.
Bibliography: West African Folktales by William H. Barker and Cecilia Sinclair, with drawings by Cecilia Sinclair (1917).
I think you made the story more realistic by using children as an example of how the turtle was excluded and bullied. I work with children so I understand the connection you made when you read the original story to the retelling you provided. I also thought it was an interesting comparison that the weight of everyone picking on him broke his spirit, like the weight on the turtle’s shell. I enjoyed your story and look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job with translating the story into a modern situation. The whole shell concept is perfect. You also separated your paragraphs well!
ReplyDeleteMy only advice is that you should stick with one point of view, because in your story you switch point of view from first person to third person several times. First person includes I (me, my, mine,) and third person includes she or he (they, them their, Josh). If you want third person, then italicize Josh's thoughts, and you will need to make this thoughts shorter. If you do first person, then just change "Josh says" or "he" to I.
Other than that, well done! I enjoyed reading this.
Just by seeing the picture you chose I was already intrigued. I knew that this was going to be a powerful story, with would tug on your heart strings and leave you inspired, and it did. So awesome job on the picture, it was a great choice. The story was really amazing as well. You did a wonderful job
ReplyDeleteHi again Michelle!
ReplyDeleteI love your story. I have a kid in school and I am very aware of how much bullying goes on in schools. It has always been that way and probably always will be to some extent. I loved how you used the analogy of the shell. Very clever! I just wanted to point out a few errors I caught. One is in the second paragraph third line. You used the word write and it should be right. The other one I caught was when you used the word harden in the sixth paragraph last sentence. It should be the word hardened. Other than those little things, the story is wonderful, I really enjoyed reading it!
Hi Michelle!
ReplyDeleteI think it is awesome that you decided to modernize this story. Not only did story fit so well in a modern setting, but also you chose a topic that is such an important issue nowadays. Bullying is so upsetting and I am glad your story focused on such a imperative issue. I did have a little bit of trouble understanding when Josh was speaking to himself, when he was talking to others and when a narrator was speaking. One thing that I do to keep all of that straight is that I have all of my character’s inner-thoughts written in italics. I also try to keep the inner-thoughts separated from the descriptions and dialogue. That’s just one thing I do that can help you and the reader keep what is happening straight. Other than that I really liked your story. You took a tale about a tortoise and made it very realistic. Great job!!
This story was great! Bullying is a real issue that people deal with every day, so I love that you incorporated it into your story. I enjoy reading about realistic situations and you made this story come alive for sure. This was not just some random imaginary characters thrown together, these felt like real kids dealing with real bullying. I really like how alive and natural it seemed while I was reading.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed how you tied it back into the original story. Your author’s note was very helpful.
I really love your colors and layout for your blog. It makes your portfolio much more interesting. I know I have the default settings still, so seeing yours and seeing how good it looks makes me want to fix mine now! Your colors go very well together and are not distracting. I really like it because it lets me focus on the story and not everything happening on the sides of screen or behind the story.
Really good job!
Hey Michelle,
ReplyDeleteSo I really enjoyed your story and the new take that you had on it. I think that you made a smart choice in taking the original theme of the story and giving it a new modern spin. You seemed very passionate about this because the story had a lot of voice, is this something that is personal to you? Are you indeed tall and was made fun because of it? Just thoughts. On a completely unrelated note I really liked your background it almost reminds me of the design that is on the Victoria Secret bags, and I think that all the colors go together very nicely and that they really add to the overall balance of the story. Good job and I can’t wait to read your other stories.
Nice job on your retelling! You did a really good job on maintaining the original message but putting it into a more modern and relatable setting. I for one went through this throughout middle school and high school. I’m a 6 foot tall girl, and I was always at least a head taller than the other girls and a lot of the boys. Everyone called my Sasquatch and would constantly torment me. I had a really tough time with bullying because even my friends and my parent would continually call me that and poke fun at me. I always let people walk all over me so I never did anything about it. One day in high school I finally had enough and I stood up and got in someone’s face. Once I stood up for myself and perhaps threatened the person… whoops… people stopped bugging me! Besides, being taller than everyone is pretty cool:) Kids are just mean and everyone had issues with bullying when they were younger. Great job on making a story so relatable!
ReplyDeleteHey Michelle! Cool story! I really liked how you decided to use the story, but create human characters and situations to make it realistic. I did the same thing for my storybook, using Aesop's fables and their morals by creating stories of a kindergarten class! I loved how you were able to maintain the original message even though you changed the characters and I also liked how you gave it a positive twist, I think that gives it a new, interesting element!
ReplyDeleteI thought the format worked really well for this story and I think its always easier to read a story when it is broken up into smaller paragraphs and has dialogue like yours does! I also really like the point of view that you wrote this story from, I think it really helps us get an insight into how the bullied is feeling!
I really liked your adaptation of this story from animals to people. I know often times, folktales like to use animals to make a point, but I feel that using people is always more beneficial. When you use people, then children or anyone really can actually relate more to the story and the topic at hand. Most stories have a moral in them, and that moral is more easily learned when the reader can relate. The only critique I would have about the story is the point of view. It switched up a few times and when that happens it seems to make me lose interest. Therefore, I would edit it a little more to use only one point of view and I feel it will be a lot stronger. Overall, I loved this story. I think you are a great writer and that shows in this piece you have written. I think you got the point across just fine with how many words you used. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the way you worded your title. It was very cute and accurately foreshadowed the story. I really liked reading your story. I did not realize at first while I was reading that it was based off of the story about the tortoise and how it got it's shell. But it makes sense now. You did a great job with redoing the story in your own way. The way you interpreted the story into a well known human issue that is easy to relate to made it very interesting and insightful. We all have had experiences or heard of similar experiences, so it was a great way to reach out to your audience.
ReplyDeleteHey there Michelle, I really liked the way you were able to make this story for how the tortoise got its shell. It takes me back to the good old days of middle school and high school and how you some people would get bullied. Eventually people would grow up and stand up for themselves. I know eventually I did and the same thing josh did at a point in my life. I really liked your story because it is a story a lot of people can relate to and see the meaning very well. I like how you adapted having josh finally earn his respect just like the tortoise got his shell in the end. I also like how you pointed out people made fun of his height because they were jealous of it. There was a lot of truth in your story, which I liked! I think you did a very good job. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHello Michelle! I loved the idea behind your story and I think it was really entertaining and easy for the reader to stay engaged. When you are mentioning Josh's thoughts, like in the first sentence, maybe try to use italics so the reader can tell that they are thoughts, not spoken words. I like that technique.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the sentence where you mention Bailey confronting Josh, maybe you could instead say: "Why do you put up with everyone being mean to you?" asked the girl. I believe her name is Bailey. I think that would make the sentence a little less awkward.
I think you developed empathy for the main character which was really awesome. I'm sure everyone that read this story found themselves rooting for Josh to stand up for himself.
I also think it's awesome how you tied in some symbolism from the original story. I wouldn't have caught that if you did not mention it in your author's note, so good job!
Okay. First things first...6' 2" tall...I am not sure if that was meant to be a clever play on words, but if so...I appreciate it very much. Even if it was not on purpose, I still appreciate it very much. I really like how you completely gave the original story a makeover. I had no idea what the story was based off of, but your author's note was very helpful! I also love that you included the word "shell" in the story. That was a very nice touch. This is such a good way to make a story relevant to readers. You may not relate with a turtle, but most people relate to a person being bullied or picked on. I also love how you made Bailey his girlfriend at the end. That is a fantastic touch. This story is really awesome! Great job on this story! I really enjoyed it!
ReplyDelete